Monologue by Freya Hannan-Mills

Araminta is thirteen. She is a home educated child actress with a very pushy and exceedingly wealthy Mummy. Araminta lives in Chelsea and has had some moderate success in commercials & three episodes of a Norwegian daytime soap. She is spoilt, self aware and manipulative. She has been asked to deliver a ‘how to be on TV’  class  to some primary school children,her Mother thinks this will be a good way to give back to the community!  




Well Hello little people, I’m Araminta, Minty for short.

So let's start at the beginning shall we.

I’m here because you have already seen me on your TV .

        [she effortlessly strikes a pose as though for a photograph]

No , no don't clap -

 [They weren't going to]

There will be time for autographs and selfies at the end.

Little people you have to get yourselves an agent , and not some dodgy  third rate one attached to a stage school. A proper  agent with offices in London and Sexy Fish on speed dial for lunches with producers and CD’s.


You see CD’s are casting directors and they  are the gatekeepers to the Gods. It’s so important to make a good first impression when you meet a Casting Director.

When you arrive  you may see  lots of other people  there.

I’m afraid  that the BBC like to do that .

[sigh of disappointment]

They even have strange people from outside  of London attending auditions .

Those people are called “the regionals”

          [she says the word as though its a dirty secret]

…just don’t worry about them for a start they will never get a licence in time.

You just all make sure you look fabulous - always arrive just on time ,never early.

You need to imagine you are just breezing in and then you are off to another amazing audition.  I like to spritz ‘ Jo Loves Pomelo ‘ it strikes just the right chord of fresh fruity and fabulously expensive

[she whips out a bottle and sprays the air above her head and then tosses her hair]

Who doesn't love a citrus cloud? Heaven.


Right then - who wants to be  the first to have a wonderful photo op. with me?